In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
so he expects you to be his vegas whore for the season. nice.
So thats when I found out ur supposed to put the penut butter on your balls not your dogs balls, feels alot better
Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
well tonys high enough to be moving from spot to spot around the kitchen shooting tortellini into a boiling pot and yelling "KING JAMES" whether he makes or misses it.
Just think about it this way, every time you work Sunday, it's another $75 and that equals another hooker when we go to Amsterdam.
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
I just had to call my mom to come pick me up stoned at a Lana's house and beg her to buy me Taco Bell. I'm graduating from college in 14 hours. Fuck
He is so sweet! He thanks me for sending him dirty pix. I should keep him.
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
Sorry I've been a slutty nightmare this week
apparently i ended up downloading "thats amore", giving him head, and singing it... all at the same time
Randomize
