he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
She fell out the car soaking wet and screaming "im wearing a fedora!" then tryed to seduce him on the front lawn in front of his middle aged neighbor
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
Not a clue. But I did find out that his penis has a British accent.
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
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