I went out, and slept with my sunglasses on
She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
With me living this close to Mexico now, Tequila is just a geographical choice at this point if nothing else.
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
I don't remember anything but bad decisions last night
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
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