yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
I un-blacked out around 7am watching J.lo videos on youtube
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing.
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
took some adderal to make my alochol withdrawl less shitty. now im just concentrating on how badly i need a drink
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
that is terrible, if I can't drink Gatorade when I'm hungover I don't wanna live in this world. that's like denying wild rams to run free in the wild and frolic
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
Just fucked my ex's brother. It is clear I dated the wrong one. Is it wrong for me to continue to fuck this one?
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