I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
She just landed. Popped over for a BJ and left. I'm a fan of layover layovers.
And dont forget my 23rd birthday where with no underwear i crawled through the cage of the police car. Dont get drunk be fore you get drunk.
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
Randomize