Best porno line to date...."drinks are on me..." while she female ejaculates into a wine chalice
My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
I love how my cats smell like pot.
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
I did not marry a roomba.
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