I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
his penis was crooked so i rode him at an angle. he seemed used to this.
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
When they saw it was the 7th inning of the baseball game one took off running for the beer stand while his friend is yelling "BUY THE KEG"!
her roommates boyfriend drunkenly walked in on us banging and said yeeeeaaaaaahhhh and tried to high five me
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
Randomize
