i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
considering i was high when my dad made me pee in the cup i might fail this one
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
No, i know about the eggs and penis, the oh wow was for the fire
This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
If walking through the neighborhood with a bottle of tequila and margarita mix is postgrad life, I'm okay with it
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
Do you think it's illegal to drive without your pants on?
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
Well, I have no idea where my underwear is, so yea I would say it was a good weekend.
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
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