Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
All I remember from last night is puking up a box of cheeze-its and the building catching on fire.
He was in me and said I can't believe this happened because of facebook. MOOD KILLER.
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
Gees I domt know what your deal was. You kept looking at Nick and shaking your head frantically and doing a weird motion with your hands
Tgat was the small dick alert
The straight guy here is hot. He described himself as Christian grey without the money and my vagina fell out of my body
It's titled "A countdown to death. A psychological look at the downward spiral of actress Lindsay Lohan and her inevitable Hollywood demise" This dissertation is genius. Not a single sober moment for either Lindsay or myself. Good stuff!
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
Randomize
