You told her the u were going to wrap your dick around her neck and start her like a lawn mower. thats why she left.
tonight, alcohol would be proud of us
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
They were taking shots out of the caps of perfume bottles. This is too much for me.
I feel like a cloud. A cloud that wants to be laid.
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
Don't tell me you're on acid again
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
dude, you ran into a window then asked ME what the fuck I was doing.
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
Randomize
