I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
yup. cregs moms pubic hair is still glued to the celing
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
I'm doing laundry from this weekend.. That poor shirt I wore to the rave smells like a dead animal that rolled in weed and pain..
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
I feel like I shouldn't be encouraging my friends to hook up with their teachers.....but if it's for academic reasons....then I definitely encourage it.
I don't care how hot he is. I will not strip for him to country music.
Like he was cock blocking and it usually takes ten cocks to block this cock
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU STUCK YOUR DICK IN CRAZY!
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