My Higher Power is John Stamos
Getting high on the stoop of a brownstone in the middle oh harlem. Doesn't get much more hey arnold than this.
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
IF WE WERE REALLY BEST FRIENDS FOREVER YOU GUYS WOULD AGREE TO A WATCHING A PORNO PARTY
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
He wins the giant teddy bear for getting the neuva ring on the dick
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
He? As in you personified your dick?
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
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