i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
is it bad that i have made the decision to never travel to vienna simply because of that transvestite that won the bachelor?
dont start drinking without me
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
Nothing says male bonding like watching porn with your grandpa
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
It's all fun and games until your in the alumni campus center puking on the floor
Keep in mind this was 2012... YOLO was a very new concept.
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
She was drunk at Red Robin. She asked for more fries and then shoved them in her purse while saying "Come on bitches, you're coming with me" to them.
Randomize
