if you like me you must not know who I am
I sware she could use her own nose as a dildo.
Does your gf have any friends she can hook me up with?
Better looking than her though please.
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
And on top of all this... he just told me to "chill my nips."
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
SOME BITCH AT THE HOSTEL STOLE MY NUT BUTTER THERE WILL BE BLOOD
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
She's seen your dick through your pants. You don't need to ask
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