I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
I had to brake up with him.
In my experience drinking helps.
You dont want to know why?
Not really. I want to drink.
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
I may be bringing home two guys tonight. I'f they won't go for a double-team you can have the lanky one.
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
I don't care what you say about him, his cock is the stuff dreams are made of.
I'm telling you, this vagina is really making the rounds lately...
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
First non virgin Sunday. Bursts into flames.
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
Randomize
