at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
I don't even know what he looks like, all i've seen of him is his dick
the rest of him looks just as crooked
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
You were doing karaoke. Then you screamed "SHOUTOUT TO ADAM LAMBERT" and started making out with the very surprised looking guy next to you.
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
Omg it was awesome. At one point she says "cum in me, I'm too old to get pregnant".
I totally just stopped for a booty call on the way to my parents for easter....good friday is an understatement
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
I got so many dick pics last night. It was like a slideshow from heaven.
i just hope we're both dead or in prison at the same time
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
Honestly who turns down a free blowjob?
I woke up alone, naked in her bed staring at a lifesize poster of edward cullen,actually I'm lying I did have socks on
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