Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
It's only slutty when someone else does it. It's okay if it's us though
In an m&m suit playing manhunt drunk. And you thought you werent guna have a good time
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
ive cried into many a lonely burritos..
Is it bad to have a craving for speed? I feel like my nose is thirsty.
Let's celebrate our freedom by getting high and doing stupid shit.
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
Randomize
