yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
i googled "the goonies drinking game." i may be alone, but i'm living the college dream.
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
Also just throwing this out there I don't think anyone who brings another girl back to your bed to share with you can qualify as a frigid bitch
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
I wanted to say, you're welcome for your orgasms, thanks for not returning the favor, Needledick
I know I joke about running from my problems a lot but I'm 3 miles off-campus and need a ride
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
Yup we found her. The bouncer was carrying her out
Did I honestly think it was a good idea to wear my pink robe out in public at 2 in the morning ?
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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