we're at the bar and some girl dropped a bottle of burnettes strawberry vodka out of her purse and it broke.
i mean, if that's not class, then i don't know what is
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
I just look at my butt and see so much potential.
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
I will warn you that there is a pic of me riding a buffalo....and for the record, I was completely sober!!
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Randomize
