Nothing is worse than puking naked in front of strangers
Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
The fact that me being able to walk down stairs is an accomplishment in my books pretty much explains how I am
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
My dad just said "fuck circus"
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
Ive decided to see your threat against my life as you flirting
I'm now forever going to blame miss frizzle for making me the sexual deviant that I am today
I'm pretty sure that waking up butt ass naked with a bottle of 151 and a note that said "I didn't want to wake you up, but thanks" proves I had a good time....god bless America
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
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