Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
Apparently I walked up to him, mumbled something incoherently, then started to make out with him. Why does this always happen.
She said just put your tongue in there and don't linger. I have other things to do.
a guy just walked up to us....drank the rest of my beer....and said sorry for my loss before walking away.
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
HOW DO I ALWAS FIND THEM?! THERE WAS BE A SOCIETY OF SMALL PENISED MEN AND I MUST BELONG TO IT!
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
I'm still not sure how to feel about the fact that we had a threesome with a guy the same age as my dad
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
if they didn't want us to do blow at uni, why would they make textbooks so smooth?
Did you make it home alright?
No I'm sitting under a tree by a cricket. He's alone crying out for someone to Fuck him. This guy gets me.
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
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