she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
So high. I just took a picture of my chewed gum so I can remember to paint a picture of it as a cloud later.
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
best. trip. ever. this is going to be too much fun. petland isnt going to know what hit them.
Yeah.. he went to Tebow in the middle of the crosswalk and got hit by a cab... The yellow ones really don't stop
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
I just picked up a hitchhiker so karma will be on our side this weekend. Hahahahahaha
No.
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
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