so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
When the phrase "Wow your huge" came out of her mouth I knew it was gonna be a good night.
Just sold a bike on craig's list for 4 four lokos and a 40. How bad do you miss college?
MY DOG FOUND A BAG OF COKE ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD!!!!!!!!!!!
AND ITS GOOD STUFF TOO!!!!!! AHHH!!!!!!
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
I want a nosebag of coke after my exam. Like what horses have. Coked up horses. No excuses. I love you.
before the moonshine you were already braiding the bouncers beard -_-
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
All I know is I woke up with his business card in my bra and in my handwriting on the back it says 8 inch.
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
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