Operation extremely regretful is in full effect
like i told you yesterday: virgins, blood, my name. do it.
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
Made it just outside my dorm and yack on the front dirt. Wave to a dad thats staring, continue on my way.
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
Riding your boyfriend's dick for an hour then waitressing for 8 hours. Would not recommend.
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
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