Don't worry, there is no such thing as a fat, old or ugly blow job.
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
I'm eating the rest of the Xmas shrooms and welcoming 2012 by communing with the pine cone.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
Hello. You don't know me, but word on the street is that we are now eskimo sisters. I feel like we should go out for coffee and compare experiences.
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
Please tell me how the stripper got back to Sarah's from the trailer park
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
This can only be settled by a dance off.
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