6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
we're ranked number 5 for having the most pot in the country for a university school. idk if i should feel worried or just plain blessed.
we were boning in the bathroom when her boyfriend came upstairs. I wish i could remember what happened next more clearly, because it had to have been hilarious
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
And I'm ok with his balls touching my ass
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
the only thing you and i have in common is the we like weed and looking at my naked body.
We are going to get high as balls and watch netflix
THIS IS WHAT BEING AN ADULT LOOKS LIKE
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
Do dollar stores sell vibrators?
Randomize