Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
I wish facebook had a fuck off button.
I may or may not have melted a dent into the top of my minifridge with my hot glue gun, which I left on for the past couple hours unsupervised, while we were on our salvo/savers excursion. Welcome to Halloween in college.
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
We already established this. No, he did not cum on the dog.
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
It's a never ending cycle of men I've fucked knowing other men I've fucked. I need a new town.
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
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