I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
CRAIGSLIST IS NOT THE ANSWER
IM LONELY AND HORNY
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
Randomize
