some 7 year old just told me his favorite rapper was eminem and kim got what she deserved...god damn today's youth is in a dark period
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
he was cradling you in his arms feeding you rum straight from the bottle and you kept sucking his fingers.
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
This was like angel cum on the bread of life filled with the nectar of the gods
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
We need to get me chipped asap
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
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