My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
I'll probably just close my eyes and point to a random name. That will be my vote.
I just realised how much we're failing the women's suffrage movement right now.
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
Who was the person who brought the rooster when they won @ beer pong
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
ever had the feeling "I've been drunk in this bathroom before?" Like De ja drunk?
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
Why did the sexual harassment class show a clip from frozen?
And our sex soundtracks thus far have been metal and Star Wars
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
Randomize
