I did the walk of shame to another booty call
I don't think that should turn me on, but it does
proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
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