can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
we were like drunken butterflies among sober caterpillars,
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
DOWN HORMONES. BACK.
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
All I know is I woke up with his business card in my bra and in my handwriting on the back it says 8 inch.
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
Randomize
