Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
he told her he was actually impressed that she had fucked more people in this house than the four dudes living in it.
She wanted me to watch her masterbate and after she thanked me for a wonderful evening and left. This state is weird.
i miss freshman lecture halls much harder to take shots in a class of 20
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
