pissed the bed twice, first one side then rolled over , other side. boom.
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
she requested me as her brother on facebook.... biggest. letdown. ever.
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
Yet he continued to eat cereal out of the glove compartment in my car.
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
Must be why he thought choking was foreplay. Like WTF? No.
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Randomize
