My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
Should I be offended if he asked if he could use saran wrap to eat me out?
I walked in on him shirtless licking the mirror while talking to his reflection. So yes, I definitely want to do shrooms the next time you get them.
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
I can't remember where my feet are. All I can see are colors, and all I can feel is terror. The lollipop was a bad idea.
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
At this point I think you're just judging my taste in men
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
Ok she stopped using her fork and knife and is legit eating that steak using her hands.
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
i just hope we're both dead or in prison at the same time
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
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