She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
I just found 'pokemon orgy' in my search history
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
I sat on the bathroom floor yelling "hell hath no fury!" for about 20 minutes.
It's definitely revenge time.
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
I had a rough night. I'm just gonna lay here and masturbate for a while before I have to go adult.
just played fuck the dealer and thunderstruck with my physics ta. he is the third ta that i have drank with this semester, i think i'm getting good at college
Randomize
