Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
i kinda do this "flirt with girls and pretend to be a hot white guy named chris" thing
He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
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