why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
new low.... made out with someone while peeing
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
we were fucking and all I could think about is how my silly bands were glowing in the dark.
I didn't think it was possible, but that girl next door is even louder when drunk.
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
I though us hooking up in the field was your way of saying you were an outdoors person
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
I found my weird threshold when Truth or Dare became everyone get naked and snort Adderall off the kitchen counter.
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
video games take priority over anything else you can offer me.
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
Randomize
