Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
I threw away my jacket instead of washing it, the jungle juice stained me more of shame than red food coloring... i have never been that white girl wasted before...
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
Right now, I'm sitting in my room, drinking beer, eating double stuff Oreos, taking bites straight from a block of cheese, and watching Anchor Man 2 trailers. Finals week at its finest
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
A girl I had a drunken hook up with is on interventon right now
Oh, do you remember telling everyone you were with that your vagina was angry last night?
Randomize
