he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
You went to church with your boobs hanging out?
Theyr'e a gift from god, I figured I should show him i'm using them well.
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
Its fiiine, tuesday is like the thursday of wine wednesday. And i mean, free beer for girls at the grove...im not NOT gonna take that offer up!
Look at your life. Look at your choices.
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
if by making eggnog you mean drinking all the spiced rum, then yes, she's making eggnog
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
it will be a surprise...all I can say is stripper clown.
He has to be employed and covid free. That’s my standard. I can’t be picky. 2020 has killed my sex life.
Randomize
