Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away.
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
If you were more comfortable around gay men, then you too could get wasted at the gay dance club and go home with hot girls.
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
I dipped out before he woke up, but I made sure to take the pizza with me.
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
Randomize
