I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
We had sex in the tent after his 6th beer and while we were at it we had conversations with the people outside the tent.
I kind of learned that hotels are unnecessary. Boys will just take you home, but that's tough with a group. I believe in us, though.
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
This guy has a theme song for the joints he rolls
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
I'm done, I have no more memes or ways to ask for nudes, so yeah
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
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