Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
Just witnessed a fat girl fall off the treadmill, pop a medicine ball, and drink coke out of a water bottle all in one workout.
She got the hiccups while deep throating me. It was epic. Once in a lifetime experience.
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
You "drove" the computer chair around the party for a good fifteen minutes. you would crash into things, freak out, and yell for an ambulance.
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
dude i haven't had a solid dump since sunday and i still cant hear out of my right ear
Basically, I am an endless fountain of unconvential sexual experiences and knowledge.
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
Randomize
