she offered me iced tea and went to go change.then her dad came in the door.i thought i was on how to catch a predator.
P.S. theres no milk for breakfast, but theres plenty of beer or red wine. you decide.
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
How do you feel about fucking me quick and then me leaving to go do arts and crafts?
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
you said candy land and then passed out.
ps. we found your stash in the candyland game. Thanks.
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
Life lesson... stop having side pieces that know each other...ffs.
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
Randomize
