could you grab mr moo while you're at his apt?
you brought your stuffed animal to a booty call?
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
I puked all over his apartment, then slept with the skinniest girl here. Which isn't saying much in Ohio.
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
And THIS is why we get drunk. No good story, documentation, or event happens by eating a salad. Alcohol consumption leads to good things
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
I hope you get stoned and think that you're a seal in shark infested waters
Haha never eat brownies from a guy with batman pajamas
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
well you're talking to a woman who had glorious sex less than 24 hrs ago so my opinion is biased.
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Randomize
