when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
I couldnt find her vag and just started laughing uncontrollably. She was not pleased. Neither was i.
so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
Iiiiiii almost fall ib the lake
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
we've got reservations. ask for the eat a bag of dicks table
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
Randomize
