Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
It involved homemade coconut rum, a waterfall, and street signs. I'll leave the rest to your capable imagination.
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
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