Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
i spent 45 minuets spilling my heart out to him telling him i was in love with this other guy sorry. when i was done he asked me to give him a blow job. i did. i have commitment problems
This is like a relationship, I expect to be mind blown at least once a week.
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
Last night dinner was cinnamon buns and whiskey. At least tonight I had a fajita with my cookies and tequila. I may be a little stressed about these end of semester tests.
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
I don't remember what you did, but I DO remember that i'm supposed to hate you for it.
can you bring the lube to algebra tomorrow
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
Randomize
