At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
Yeah. My legs are trembling...hard to walk. Feels like a neon arrow is pointing at me saying "just had sex (with not his wife)"
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
My vagina is scared and excited at the same time. It might not be able to sleep tonight.
his semen tasted like maple syrup. no wonder fat girls always wanna fuck him.
she just took adderol and chased it w dog water
And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
Well, they emptied out the keg by the third kegstand for America.
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
i'm almost positive she was a dude but like it doesn't even matter
re read what you just said
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
Randomize
