Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
You better of fucked him last night or do it now because he is buying all the roommates McDonald's.
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
He's a Shit stain on my heart
max decided it would be a good idea to run down the hall and smack down the exit sign. now we are sitting in the emergency room, and he is wearing the sign as a bracelet
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
How much do souls cost? I feel like I need one if those.
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
He screamed, "Let there be light!" when he came
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