I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
entire chemistry final was about beer... i actually might miss this place
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
so the last visual we have of him for the next 87 weeks is him outside on the ground rolling around yelling I HATE BLOWJOBS
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
but im not going to tell the owner of the penis of my dreams how to wear his hair.
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
Well I talked to some Canadians today, and I'm keeping a vigilant watch for sharks, so I'm pretty booked up.
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
Wrong Cuomo but I had a dream last night in which I was very sexually attracted to Chris
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