I was born with a shot glass in my hand
She had to get her inhaler in the middle of fucking...but she kept it in.
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
im kinda looking forward to winter break. ive been away from home for so long i think i can trick my vagina into thinking that these arent the same people ive been hooking up with since high school...
Funny. I made out with his brother for the first time in a bathroom too.
They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
I might have hooked up with a 2003 alumni last night in the basement
Dude you were ten when he graduated
Wahoowaaaaaaa
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
Just saw a girl I banged wearing a pro life shirt downtown. Not sure where to start with that.
so i might have slept on your bathroom floor last night...
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