Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
blowjobs from left handed girls are noticably better than from righties. these are the most important things I've learned this semester
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
my comprehension of H.D. Thoreau really dives after 8 beers.....
It will astound me if they ever let you graduate.
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