shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
i love accidental penises.
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
He did a line, told me my hair looked pretty against the background of the clouds, and then we fucked. Good afternoon
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
Update: pile o Coke party starting at approx 4 - 7 and going until 1ish to celebrate our founding fathers and love of cocaine and hatred of everyone\n
Should I be concerned that he called me mom when I got in bed on top of him?
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
Randomize
