I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
I actually kind of like the booze poos. It's like a colon cleanse. I feel skinnier.
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
Wow I didn't even consider the possibility of him having ED. I'm gaining so many life experiences from dating an older man
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
I just pictured my inhibition personified as little pink piggies with wings flying off into the great wide nowhere hahaha
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
Her mom came in and passed out drunk on the floor next to us while she was riding me, "it's all good, she does this all the time" is what she said
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
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