Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
I walked in and saw him spread eagle on the couch beatin it, while he just pet the dog that sat there and stared. mom was pissed
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
You were only speaking with either thumbs up, thumbs down, or high fives haha
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