u know ur drinking tonight lol i dont know why you try to deny it
but i dont wanna get emotional and drunk text
then give me ur phone
NEVER!!
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
Yeah. Fortunately, the road to Hell is paved with naked 21 year old girls.
Which beats the fuck out of good intentions.
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
my goal for the rest of college is to escape STD free. fuck getting a job. this is more important.
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
So much for no-infidelity-fridays....
Just saw you run by my class yelling "fuck you!". Good luck and stay human!
Randomize
