I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
So at what point do I tell her that I like fucking these hot southern girls more than I like my relationship with her?
you came here, splled a bunch of margaritas, hung up a picture of yourself and then left
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
Giving you good advice and being naked are not mutually exclusive.
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
No, and she still hasn't answered me...I get a whole series of text messages about Guatemalan anal bleaching but no fucking answer to my question.
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
I think I broke my dick but 10/10 would definitely do it again.
Randomize
