I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
A big part of growing up is learning how to tastefully stare at women
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
He had a joint rolled for us when he picked me up. It's how ASU does romance
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
I know we agreed to cock block each other from now on buttt I WANT this one. I have felt his penis, it is godly, and I am going to have it inside of me, so shut the fuck up and leave.
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
Randomize
