did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
@ a funeral. fucking miss uuuu
When he was fingering me, it felt/looked like he was digging around for pocket change.
She said she never had to courage to go fully shaved. Since when did shaving your snatch become courageous?
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
I don't even know if he's actually hot or just hot because he plays hockey..
You did not just say that.
Randomize
