i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
We need to get her some penis inspired head protection.
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
I HAD SEX WITH COLBY AND HIS FIVE YEAR PLAN IS TO STEAL A REALLY EXPENSIVE PAINTING AND ASKED ME IF ID BE INTO HELPING HIM AND I WOKE UP IN HIS BED TO A WOMANS TUBE TOP NEXT TO ME
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
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